


The Koala From Hell

by killersnails



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21754228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killersnails/pseuds/killersnails
Summary: A feral opossum is discovered in the base after hours. A group of trained killers proceed to share a single brain cell in their attempts to remove it.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's been 84 years since I've written a proper fic, and now that finals are done kicking my ass I can sit down and properly publish this. Nothing too serious, just the mercs being the mercs and trying to deal with something without resorting to straight up murder.
> 
> I was totally inspired by a [couple](https://youtu.be/4K_86-9ItJ8) [vids](https://youtu.be/lTu3aMFKhME) , which will be referenced throughout this.
> 
> I'll most likely be finishing this before the end of January . I also didn't know how to tag properly since I haven't posted to AO3 in a long time, so I tagged all nine mercenaries off the bat and will be adding stuff as I go along.  
> Rest assured, all nine of them will be present in the next installment of this monstrosity.

Despite countless mornings of being bleary-eyed and hating his existence, Scout was up at 2AM. Again.

 _"Aw, crap."_ He winced, stretching his aching back out against the chair he had been in for God knows how long. He didn't realize it until he looked up from his concentrated doodling (the occasional re-shuffling of his baseball card collection whenever a cramp overtook his hand) to see that stars had shown up in the sky outside.

A few guys had told him goodnight, the sign that it was getting late going right over his head, and at some point Pyro had stopped finding him to get a card game out of their system. Scout didn't really mind that they had called it a night too, because as much as he enjoyed "palling around" with them, Pyro tended to slide other cards that weren't in a standard 52-card deck to the roster through some sleight of hand and catch him off guard. Can you even keep playing Go Fish if your hand has some yellow Uno cards and a 'GO TO JAIL' card from Monopoly?

He always thought it was harsh, but that evening he began to understand why Pyro had been banned from playing Poker with the rest of the guys for the foreseeable future.

A dead silence seemed to hold him in the room that he usually called dibs on when the team stayed in the living quarters out in _"Bumblefuck, New Mexico"_ , as he called it. When he stood up, every joint popped and caused him to hiss through his teeth, one of his feet waking up and giving pins and needles. He flexed it over and over, and listened for any shuffling or voices outside the door -- but the absence of anything made him hold his breath.

He spaced out as he regrouped, and then rolled his eyes at himself. _No, we aren't doing this. Am I psyching myself out right now? What, you afraid of the dark, Jeremy? Get a grip._ He monologued to himself, brushing off the uncertainty he felt and walking towards the door.

He figured he'd get himself some water and turn in, too. Soldier made everyone get up at 4AM, but the impending doom of a 2 hour sleep was not his concern until it was far too late to do anything about it.

A pair of reflective eyes glowed green as they peered on Scout from the depths of the dark living room. It was taking refuge under the coffee table, small enough to almost disappear completely.

Scout saw it immediately after turning the corner from the hallway, and he was only a little startled as he froze in his tracks to register that he wasn't alone. They made long, silent eye contact, and after registering a vaguely slim, low to the ground body in the dark followed by a pointed snout and round ears, he sighed in relief.

"Oh, just a little dude. Scared me for a second, fella." He resumed course for the kitchen, and the eyes watched him go without much of a blink.

Scout turned the light on, and he mindlessly dug around the cabinets for a glass. _Huh, it didn't look like a cat, or a dog, or..._

He set the glass down on the counter, and his heart froze over as his eyes grew large. As the hamster wheel running his brain suddenly kicked into high gear, he gasped and nearly threw himself onto the counter as he yelled, "WHOA, WHAT-!?"

He poked his head back through the doorway, and the small animal once again turned to stare at him, as if they were surprised he was approaching a second time.  
He frowned at it, and when it didn't flinch, he decided it was a threat and that he was going to devise a plan to get it out before it murdered everyone.

He slipped back into the kitchen, and started looking around desperately. He couldn't help but talk to himself as he thought. "Do I run back and grab my bat? Nah, the rat demon thing might bite my foot. Maybe I should wake one of the guys up, or... Nah, they'll just slow the process down. Think, dammit-!" He looked over at the broom sitting by the back door, a hand to his chin.

"Uh...Oh! Hey, I got it!" He beamed, "I'll just open the door and poke him with this-" He grabbed it by the handle, "Until he gets the message and leaves to go back to his demon animal family." Scout turned towards the doorway again, a new goal dawning on him along with his confidence. He began swinging the broom around in his hands like he would his weapon of choice, reminding himself that he was a mercenary -- with a lifetime of success in the field of busting peoples' shit in -- so some little rat demon thing in the living room would be a damn walk in the park.

Demoman was rubbing his eye too frequently, feeling his lid start to go raw whenever he touched it. He hated the aching drive to stay awake despite wanting nothing more than get some forsaken rest. He tried standing on his head, but it just gave him splinters on his forehead. He tried reading in bed, but it only made him get up and build a pipe bomb. He even tried counting weird stains on the wall, because the sheep never worked -- _no matter how many times he was bloody told it did._

He was about to take a night walk -- which he didn't prefer while the team parked themselves out in the Badlands, but was growing a little manic from his own brain refusing to defuse itself for some shut-eye -- when he heard a slam come from the living room. He stayed put, staring at his door and keeping an ear out for anyone else to respond.

When no one did, and another slam was heard, it was followed by foreign growling and hissing. He nearly jumped out of his pajamas on his way to the door, opening it slowly and taking a few bold steps into the hall. He looked down the way to see the gangling, small silhouette of Scout fussing with something in the living room. He was holding a long object and whispering to himself angrily, _"Out! Get the hell out! No one asked for you to make yourself known, ya little-"_

"Wha's going on, boyo?" The Scot came down the hall wearily, matching the whispering with his own. Scout let out a panicked yelp, readying the broom to slap the daylights out of the second intruder. He braced, stared with the stance of a T-Ball player ready to decimate the rest of the five year olds on the field, and then regained composure when he recognized him.

Demo responded with a look of slight betrayal, but his attention was diverted when a creature on the living room floor hissed again. Now it was him who reeled back on his heels and gasped, "What?"

"Rat demon," Scout responded sternly, jumping on the couch and prodding the poor creature with the broom again. "You gonna help me get it out, or just watch me slap him around the living room?" He asked.

Demo rolled his eye and muttered, "Well, o'course I will. Give me that, and don't get too-" Scout handed him the broom, but the soft couch cushions crumpled under his weight, and caused him to lose his footing. "SCOUT, WATCH YE-" Demoman choked out, taking the broom as the boy doubled over, body slamming the coffee table with an incredibly loud crash that shook the walls of the living room.

"AH! OW, OH GOD. I CAN'T BREATHE, DEMO-"

The small animal let out a much more ferocious growl, nipping at Scout and causing him to flail. Trying not to laugh, Demo used the broom to give a barrier between Scout's face and its jaws, muttering, "Get up, I said _get up!_ I can't hold the wee monster back forever." He finally cracked and giggled, "H-he's a feisty rat demon, ain't he?"

"He's gonna bite my face, he's gonna bite my entire face off -- like he's Hannibal Lecter or something!" Scout wheezed as he threw himself over the side of the couch, holding the set of ribs that had collided with the table. The animal that stood its ground under its little fort backed up from both men, its jaws open in a threatening display. Demoman nudged it, but then realized this wasn't some hell spawn animal at all. He knew what they looked like, at least through illustrations.

"Scout, this isn't a demon." He huffed, holding the broom close to his chest and shaking his head, "It's a stinkin' opo-"

"Men, it is 2:16 in the morning. What are you two doing out of your quarters?"

Soldier had now emerged from his room after hearing the commotion, the balance of the rest of the sleeping mercenaries resting in his hands. He clapped Demo on the shoulder when he spoke, and pointed his attention to Scout with a tired frown.

He was about to ask again, but then Scout pointed down at the coffee table. The calm before the storm was in that simple head turn as the three men looked to the small animal, who was bristling its fur at them.

 _"Dear God..."_ The grizzly voice trailed off. Scout and Demo exchanged one last look as the other shoe dropped, and Soldier's volume control went out the window and into fucking space.

"WHAT IS THAT!? IS THAT A SHAVED DOG!? NO, THAT CAN'T BE A DOG! THAT IS NOT A RACCOON, EITHER! THAT IS NOT EVEN A MUTATED CAT IF I'VE EVER SEEN ONE! THAT ANIMAL IS A FOREIGN ENTITY. WE MUST GET IT OUT OF THE BASE BEFORE IT LAYS EGGS IN OUR FACES! KILLING IT WOULD ONLY MAKE IT GROW SEVEN MORE HEADS, BUT INTRUSION SHALL NOT BE TOLERATED! YOU TWO STAY HERE, I WILL ALERT THE REST OF THE TEAM -- IF THEY AREN'T ALREADY DEAD!"

Soldier paraded back down the hall with his chest out and his jaw squared, Demoman and Scout begging him and making gestures at him to tone down his voice to no avail.

"Welp. No use leaving this off now, eh?" The Scot backed up to the living room's lightswitch and flicked it on. He sighed, "Everyone is gonna be prancin' out here any minute now." Scout fell onto the couch, causing the animal to flinch and growl again as he gave it a dirty look, but doing so only made him realize he had been awake so long that his eyes were starting to sting.

 _So much for a glass of freakin' water,_ he thought, dragging a hand over his face as he heard disgruntled men in the corridor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest and admit that I don't know why I thought promising to finish by the end of January was a good idea, but I'm still chugging away when I'm not being tag teamed by work and college, haha.
> 
> I only have one more chapter planned out, so this is a short but sweet project. Hopefully, it just helps get the vibes going to write longer, more fleshed out things in the future. :^)

"So, we are killing it. Yes?"  
 _"No!"_

Out of habit, the mercenaries all stood in a clump at the end of the corridor, squinting at the light and trying to pull themselves together. They were slow to it, scratching the sand out of their eyes and yawning.

Scout nervously rocked on his heels: it was taking way too long for everyone to process why they were having a two in the morning team meeting. To make matters worse, he knew that they didn't even _need_ to have one. Just give him ten more minutes with the broom, and he would've had the mission on lock. Engineer had even left the living quarters to get Sniper, who slept apart from everyone else in his van. Some of them had suggested it was best not to, but he insisted since they were "dealing with what they were dealing with".

Soldier was talking, but not spreading any kind of useful information. "Men, we appear to have koala bears in New Mexico." He announced, guesturing to the possum under the coffee table. It kept its snout low to the carpet, giving a beady-eyed stare and preparing to have another hissy fit if they even thought about approaching.

The mercs gave bemused stares into space, too groggy to say anything. Demo broke the silence with a raise of his hand and a gravely mutter, "Soldier, that is a possum. An American poss-"

"We do not have possum in America!" Soldier cut him off with a chuckle, "What's next, Demo? Telling me that the flocks of German cat-hawks don't exist? It's nonsense that the governments of the world spew. Learn it! That's why your country hasn't found the Loch Ness monster yet! If it existed here," He pointed to the floor, "we would've killed it before most of our parents were walking the Earth."

Demoman gave him a squint, but pursed his lips. Heavy's eyes immediately flew down to give Medic a puzzled scrunch of the nose. He was rubbing his glasses on his pajama shirt, and only responded with an exasperated twitch of his eyebrows as he put them back on his face.

Scout crossed his arms and griped in a crabby tone, "So, yeah. It's here. How are we gettin' rid of it? It won't budge, and believe me: I tried to use that broom in the kitchen to get it headin' out...without leading to all this." He guestured at everyone, and then the back door opened.

"You oughta take a look, stretch." Engineer murmured, holding the door open as Sniper entered the living room. He took two steps in, and his eyes squeezed shut immediately. Wincing, he slipped his tinted glasses on his face with his hand, nearly hitting himself while doing so.

He looked at the rest of them with a slight grimace, and then his eyes fell to the floor. The sight of the possum caused him to stop dead in his tracks and his eyes to finally focus. _"...What is that?"_ He said under his breath.

Scout raised one eyebrow. "You seriously don't know? Thought you were the Animal Man."

"It's just a little possum." Engineer shrugged, and Soldier crossed his arms and scolded, "I can't believe it. Sniper doesn't recognize the American species of koala! For shame, man. You call yourself an Australian?" The man looked up at him with a speechless glare.

He adjusted his glasses and responded, "Right, that's not it. I've seen possum before, but...the ones where I'm from look a little different."

"Wait, really?" Scout prodded, and Sniper nodded. "Yeah, they look closer to a sugar glider." He held out his hand flat to mimick the animal's loose skin flying through the air. "Not that I think the little bugger's a disgrace to nature." He guestured to the possum. Scout gave it a long look, and put his hands on his hips as he cringed, "It kinda is, though."

The back and forth nonsense got to Spy, and he muttered once more, "Oh, please. Let's just kill it and go back to be-"

When Engie shifted his weight to one leg, the floor creaked, and the possum jumped and hissed in response, leading everyone to swallow their tongues.

"Come on, the thing's just spooked. We shouldn't kill it." Sniper sighed, "I think I know a way to get it out of here..."

"Broom?" Scout offered. Sniper shook his head and gave a little "no" from under his breath.

"THROWING IT OUT THE WINDOW?" Pyro clucked through their mask. Sniper shook his head again, scowling a little more than the last time.

"I got it! Let's get a smoke bomb!" Soldier beamed. Sniper and Engie looked at each other, and finally he responded in a scalding tone, "Are you fucking _bent_ , mate?"

He only responded with a lost look, and Spy pinched the bridge of his nose, growing tense. Demoman rolled his eye, growing tired now that he had spent the last ten minutes wasting part of his night instead of killing it in a productive manner.

Scout was growing impatient too, and a stroke of confidence made him announce, "Okay, I've had enough of this little dude. Imma just grab the damn thing." The men all watched, a few of them beginning to reach a hand out to stop him, but Scout swiftly went down and clutched the possum from behind by its haunches.

An alarm felt like it rang in Sniper's head as he barked out, "SCOUT-", but before he knew it the animal snarled and twisted its body to attempt to clench the hand between its jaws. Scout panicked, and with a vicious noise, he dropped it onto the nearest mercenary's foot in a quick attempt to get it away from him.

"Doc, watch y-" Engineer choked out, but in a matter of two seconds, the animal clamped down on Medic's bare foot. Heavy and Scout, the closest bodies to him, stared with intense expressions and large eyes as he rose his shoulders in attention, and looked down at the festering creature defending itself from his uninvolved appendage.

"...Ooh, that hurts a little bit. Its teeth are like needles!" Medic commented dryly, and then after a few more seconds of staring with a curious expression, he jerked back and hollered at the top of his lungs.

Scout immediately grabbed the broom sitting on the wall and devolved back into his original plan, brushing the creature desperately while hurling insults at it. Heavy was covering his face and muttering to himself. "This wouldn't be happening if we used a smoke bomb." Soldier pouted, watching Medic do his best to lightly kick the creature off and cursing between gritted teeth in furious German.

The first half of Sniper's short patience was wearing thin, and he crossed his arms in thought. He had read about handling possum a long time ago for a high school project, but now he wasn't quite sure if it was for American or Australian possums. He'd remember such a sinister face like the one he was looking at now, wouldn't he? His teammates handling this whole affair like it was some sort of school experiment was not helping him while he racked at his brain, rushing to recall his trapping knowledge.

Medic, over the initial shock of being munched on by the animal, was now wondering aloud if he had rabies while Scout griped in a whiny tone, _"NOW WAS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS, DUDE! HELP ME OR YOU LOSE YOUR GODDAMN LEG!"_

"We'll figure out how to get this little guy home, stretch." Engineer chuckled, giving Sniper a tired smirk. He had noticed the man had gone from a little grumpy to absolutely stressed in the matter of three questions. He responded with a stone-faced purse of his lips, and he added, "Coworkers: can't live with 'em, and can't quite live without 'em."

The possum was discouraged, and had retreated back under the coffee table, letting out a low growl that sounded like demonic gurgling. Medic was sidetracked completely now, doing what looked to be an eye test in place of a rabies test and claiming it wasn't looking good for him. The others just watched quietly, debating with each other through glances whether or not he had any idea what he was talking about.

Heavy looked at Scout and asked, " **Now** we will kill it?"

Sniper, Engineer, and Medic all responded with a resounding, "No."


End file.
